My Mother in Heaven

   It has been 5 months since my Mom died, and it continues to impact me in ways I didn't expect. I am tired and sometimes sad. I get reminders that she is no longer with me in this physical world, through her funeral prayer card, personal items, her car that we inherited, and the knowledge of her death. There is also the very tangible knowledge of my Dad's changed reality. I have gone over to the house a number of times to help him go through Mom's clothes, and books, and sewing items. I have been helping him organize a few of the rooms upstairs. He is going to rent one to a parrishoner who is in a PHD program at a nearby university, so he has a specific motivation and timeline. We continue to live our lives and she is no longer here.

   Mother's day we got together and did the Crowning of Mary prayer service that my Mom put together and turned into a family tradition at least ten years ago. My part is to lead a decade of the rosary and I cried all the way through it. Everyone understood and some cried along with me. The Foruth of July also carried a heavy pall and although I hadn't expected it, it made sense when I realized that we ususally acknowledged my Mom's birthday on the 4th, since her birthday is on the 7th. And then there was her birthday. I had made it a point to have my Mom and Dad over to celebrate her birthday each of the past few years, and it felt important to mark the date. Heather suggested visitng Mom's grave and that felt fitting. I invited everyone to join me and it wound up being a big group, with all of my girls, the Shumaker kids, Heather and her four, and Mary with her 4 youngest. We all decided that Mom would have been proud and was probably up in heaven enjoying the sight.

   Throughout the past months, I have felt supported and loved. The girls sometimes mention her and Johanna can be counted on to plainly state that my mother died. Hanna verbalizes this special reality "Your Mom died.". She does it respectfully but straightforwardly.  As my Mom's birthday approached and we planned to visit the grave, Johanna ran into the office and made my Mom a birthday card. She asked me how to write :I hope you are having a good birthday in heaven. Then she taped it shut and put it in the mailbox to mail it to heaven. At the gravesite Johanna dramatically kneeled down and prayed silently.  Then this past week we were talking about adults. Johanna said "when I grow up I will be a Mom". Then she turned to me and said "I'll be your Mom, because your Mom died. You need a Mom."

    I also feel a whole lot of grace, I feel very confidently that my Mom is inteceeding for me and for my family. It is reassuring and I feel like she is exactly where she should be and where she has always wanted to be.