Kehrmans Connected: Hope in the Resurrection

My mother died on, Leap Day, February 29, 2016, at the age of 72. Her death is a part of my daily thoughts, accompanied by hope in the Resurrection. I am grateful for so many things that have happened in these past few weeks. It has been a very difficult and very beautiful period, and after 3 weeks of grieving, it was wonderful to celebrate the Lord's Passion and the Conquering of death. To know that my Mom believed and longed for her Lord, gives me great comfort and I hope that we will both share in Resurrection. This timing feels like a gift to me, as do many of the things surrounding my Mom's death.

My mother and I had a complicated relationship, just as every parent child relationship is. My childhood was full of tender and inspiring moments, and love, as well as hurt and disappointment. My adulthood granted me a more mature understanding. I found new appreciation in my Mom's sacrifices and aptitudes. I found empathy for her failings. I got to see her at vulnerable moments when her body was not up to the task and share in her humanity.

Sunday, the day before she died, she called me early in the morning. She was crying and in pain and asked if I could come over. I handed pancake duty over to Jim, threw pants on, and headed to her house. This was very out of the ordinary. I arrived to be greeted by my dad, who explained that Mom had been confused about what day it was and he had made her comfortable. He was very concerned about her, her activity and strength had declined in the past week and she was depressed, because she had a scan that indicated cancer. They were going in on Tuesday to get more information. After the briefing I went up to visit my Mom. She was scrunched up in bed, which had deflated too much. She had hurt her shoulder (that is why she called) when she was getting dressed but dad had gotten her pain meds and a heating pad, and the pain wasn't as acute. Mom cried and apologized and shared her worries and acknowledged her overwhelmed state of mind. I helped assuage her embarrassment and got her more comfortable in bed, then we settled in for a long conversation. It was just the 3 of us and it was wonderful to have an uninterrupted visit. There are closer family members that she could have called but she was in pain and she called me. She trusted that I could help her feel better.
That morning, the day before she died, I got a gift of her time, her conversation and in knowing her trust and confidence in me.

That same day at church Dad expressed to Becky that Mom wasn't doing well and would love a visit. Becky felt a little guilty and decided to stop by to visit after school on Monday. This guilt was a a gift to the whole family. Becky went up to say hi to Mom, while her kids went into the living room. Becky found Mom in distress. Mom did not recognize her and was not making sense. Becky called 911. The paramedics arrived and Mom perked back up after getting oxygen and took her to St. Agnes. Dad followed and asked Becky to let the rest know but to wait till he had more info before coming down. We didn't get much info over the next few hours. Joe decided to go to the hospital and sent word that we should all come. I put Hanna to bed and then picked Mary up so we could go together.

We arrived at the hospital and went up to AICU. There were at least a dozen staff in with Mom and they were prepping for surgery to stop a bleed in her abdomen. All of my siblings were there and Dad was in with Mom. Henry, Donna and Magaly also arrived. Despite the medical staff's efforts they couldn't stabilize Mom and it became clear to us that Mom was not going to regain consciousness and was going to die. The staff made room for us. We got to spend the next few hours praying with Mom, singing to her and being together. We cried and as we surrounded her and sang, the nursing staff cried too . It was peaceful and beautiful and Mom would have been so proud to see our faith and witness, and our love for her and each other. We said our good-byes and clung to each other. This opportunity was such a gift. I feel so blessed to have been able to be with her, my dad and all of my siblings to accompany her home.

It was so hard telling the girls in the morning. They all get up at different times since it was a school day so they found out in waves and each time we cried together. All of them were such a blessing to me. Emma and Rachael made pancakes for us to share. It was another gift.

That week was filled with productive meetings of organizing details and dividing the many responsibilities. My dad is very practical as well as emotional and it made for a good balance of grieving and working together. The gift of siblings was evident all week. We asked for non-standard things from the parish and they were amazing. My families gift of faith and service to OLV was rewarded graciously. The church was happy to help with every request and the staff made everything seamless. The school allowed us to use their cafeteria/hall for the funeral luncheon and the school provided the kids pizza so they could all eat at their desks.

My Godmother, Aunt Deb, flew down from Massachusetts and stayed with us for a few days. She baked us lasagna and was a stable comforting force. MarySue drove down from PA and was an emotional blessing. We all worked together on Friday to go through the photo albums as I scanned in pictures of my mom for the slide show. The girls helped out during the afternoon and the adults kept at it that night. MarySue also ran around for us on Sunday to pick up the food for the family room during the wake.

The viewing and wake were held at OLV and it was packed. We had a few minutes as a family and Dad lead us in a prayer. Emma sat outside for a while comforting Anthony, and then people began to arrive. I was a little overwhelmed by all of the people. I feel like I missed the majority of people who came and I know that I talked to only a few. But again my family spread out and everyone was welcomed. When the wake service started, my siblings, Dad and I escorted the casket into church. The eulogies were a wonderful remembrance of Mom's life and the music was well done. Fr. Whatley lead the service and gave the homily. Hanna sat with me for a while and at one point when Emma was going to take her out I thought she was going to run up on the altar. The service ended and people said their good-byes. Mary Sue offered to pick up food for us as we were all starving. She and the girls arrived back at my house with bags full of chicken, which hit the spot. We got to bed and prepared for another emotional day.

Monday morning we all got dressed and ready and went over to OLV. We got a few private moments to say good bye to my Mom, I hadn't mentioned to the girls the day before that they could touch my Mom and so they were all glad to get a second chance. Quickly Mass got started and in every way it felt like I was being ministered to. The music was special to Mom and it was beautifully done. Her grandkids all served in some way and she would have loved having so many of them on the altar. Bridget and Johanna helped by handing out the programs with their cousins. Megan brought up the gifts with more cousins. There were multiple nuns in attendance, as well as 4 priests and 5 deacons. Emma and Rachael offered the petitions and managed to finish before crying. Mary sang the Psalm with the cantor and I was blessed by the beauty as the congregation prayed "Shepard me Oh God" as one church. I sat in the middle of the girls with my arms out stretched to touch and comfort all of then, while being comforted by them in return as we sang. Jim held my hand and wrangled Hanna when needed. Fr. Tim's homily was personal and comforting. He knew my family well and spoke directly to us offering a very genuine sympathy while sharing our sadness and hope.

After Mass we went over to the hall for a luncheon. I got a chance to visit with more people and relatives and watch some of the slide show. It was a sunny warm day. After the luncheon we processed to the cemetery. Part of the funeral package was a limo. My Dad didn't want to ride in it, so the grand daughters got to ride in it to the cemetery and then the grand sons got to ride in it back from the cemetery. The daughter and son-in-laws were the pall bearers and they struggled over very lumpy and soft ground to place the casket. My Dad led the burial commitment prayers. It was so sad and yet so proper to see him lead us through and to see him bless my Mom in death as he had done in life.

That night the family gathered at Joe and Magaly's house for dinner and to wind down. We all got a chance to see the slide show together and talk about and laugh at some of the pictures. It was a great way to wind down and a great chance to visit with my Aunt's and Uncles that came in from Wisconsin. I was so blessed to be surrounded by family who shared my grief and my faith.